Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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