And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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