I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
