You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
