I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
