I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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