In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
