i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize