Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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