How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
