So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize