Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
