i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
