Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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