hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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