then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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