Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
