I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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