This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
