What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
