you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
A+ Viking dick
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
