No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
