Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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