i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
