Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
