Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
