I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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