Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He? As in you personified your dick?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
