i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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