listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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