just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
