I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
