So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
