im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
