I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
