ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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