They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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