I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
