You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
