i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
