he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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