she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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