I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
