Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize