the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
