In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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