hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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