The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
