The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
