Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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