Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
