I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
