yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Randomize
