just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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