meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize