I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
They are going to name an STD after you.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
